Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Learning lessons along the way
I remember those first 4 months of motherhood and thinking, if I can just get through these four months of sleep deprivation, it's going to get so much better. Well, some things have gotten better and other things have gotten worse but I have still struggled with that mindset. 'If he'd just take a nap I could get things done', 'If I can just get to 6:30 Jason will be home and I'll have an extra set of hands'. 'If he'd just sleep through the night' 'If we can just get through this week and get to the weekend.' 'If we can just get through this aggressive phase' 'If we can just get through this teething phase' 'If we can just get through....' It's really easy to fill in the blank. It happens on a daily basis. But I don't want to live my life wishing for what's ahead and just 'getting through'. I don't want to live for the future to get there and realized I missed out on so many things along the way. That's not the way God intended it. I realized this truth about 6 months ago and I have been really trying to make an effort to find things each day to look forward to instead of looking at the negative things I want to get past. I am a dreamer by nature, a restless spirit. I am always dreaming of new adventures and idealizing my plans and dreams. If Jason had a dime for each time I've said, 'let's just up and move to an island, or let's just buy a farm and live off of the land, or let's just move to the beach' we'd probably have enough money to actually do it. If your strength is also your weakness then my positive dreaming would turn into restlessness. Its not that my mindset is negative all the time but I do find myself looking forward to too many things. In July I am already looking forward to Christmas, by Christmas I can't wait for spring. I finally started putting things on the calendar to look forward to each week and trying to plan things in the middle of the week instead of the weekend to re-program my mind. It was working really well for me. I find myself now in sleep deprivation starting to pull back this old mindset... 'if we can just get the sleep issue figured out...' A friend posted on facebook this week the statement "God doesn't always give us what we want, but he always gives us what we need." Coming from another special needs mom, it was a refreshing reminder. What I want is to solve the sleep issue and get a really good solid nights sleep. However, if we are going to take the long way through this, then I have to lean on the truth that God has already given me what I need to make it through each day. I may want more sleep, but technically we've been functioning this way for quite awhile. I don't know how we always get through, but we do. Some days we do better than others. I have to try to be present in the moment and find things to enjoy each day. Some days are easier than others. I have to hold on to those moments and remind myself to be present. Its the little things, like seeing the kids sharing, learning a new sound or word, watching the kids grow and develop... Although he is still very much behind he has grown by leaps and bounds over the last two months. Really the last two weeks especially. Even though the sounds are not accurate he is trying to put two words together, for the first time. He is incorporating more sounds than before, using vocabulary while he is signing. He is more approachable with people and is building relationships. He asks for his speech therapist, Holly, every single day. When we say our prayers at night we say 'God bless... ' and let him fill in the names, he always includes mom and dad, grandparents, cousins Henley, Rogan, and Rivi, uncle Matt, and his therapists Holly and Beth. To the layperson you wouldn't recognize half of the names that he says but we know who he is talking about. I have to treasure some of our tender moments together. So that is my goal for this week. (I have to set short term goals to actually accomplish them) My prayer is that I would enjoy my children, that we would have fun together, and there would be joy and peace in the home.