Sunday, June 12, 2011

I know that I know that I know...

"Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way."
— Lewis Carroll (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass)





In an effort to be completely transparent and honest with myself I have to admit that on Friday mid afternoon I had my first meltdown in front of the kids. It was the first time that either one has seen me cry. It is embarrassing to admit, but I feel like I have to be truthful that there are times the kids just push and push and push (literally) until I can't take anymore. I told Jason, jokingly, that I feel like I am in an abusive relationship sometimes because Wren will scream at me and hit me with toys and with Cruz's proprioception he is so rough with me and yells as well. When mommy's temperature starts rising I just pray "Jesus please give me strength to get through this" "Lord, please give me patience". Sometimes the moment passes and I cool back down. Friday was a different story. Somewhere after we had friends over for play dates, after they both refused afternoon naps, after snacks were spilled, after Wren picked up dog poop in the yard, after they got caught eating dog food, after they got caught dumping a box of new crackers, and before daddy came home, I sunk into a ball at the end of the couch and cried. Not that cute single tear cry where you can wipe it away in one sweep of the finger without messing up your makeup, but the other one. The one where you cry so hard at times no sound comes out of your mouth. The one where snot and mascara mix on your cheek like a mud mask. The one that sounds like an old dog howling at moon, or the neighbor. The one where you look like an old cartoon character with the eyes bulging out of their sockets. Neither of my kids have seen me cry. I will say that their screaming immediately stopped. They both just stared at me and slowly approached like they had discovered a wounded wild animal... not sure of what would happen next. They were both only wearing diapers as they toddled like twins towards me. Both knelt down in front of me and took turns kissing me on the lips and cheek. The moment was really sweet and tender and only compounded the guilt that I felt in that moment. I debated hiding my emotion to not let them see mommy as weak or let them see that it is frustrating and it is important to learn how to be compassionate. Regardless, I couldn't stop crying anyways, so I let them watch. I just prayed the whole time. I have never questioned 'Why' to God in regards to Cruz's issues. However, I did tell the Lord, "I am just so sick of it. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am just plain sick of this." I can't in all honesty say that I completely felt immediately better upon venting, however, the high waters seemed to slowly reseed. Between both of the kids I probably received fifty plus kisses. It did make me feel better to see their response to someone in distress as Cruz has never shown the appropriate response to emotion. And, if he had laughed at me or hit me I probably would have just cried longer and harder. Afterwards, I noticed some mascara on the kids cheeks from lots of side hugs. I think, for once, the kids realized that I was human instead of the robot that just grants their every wish throughout the day. I felt very vulnerable then and do even now as I write this and uncover my raw emotions to you. Throughout the weekend I will say that I have still felt exhausted. I have still struggled with nonstop necessity to be 'on'. Cruz has been waking up around 530 or 6 in the mornings and in the evenings finally goes to bed around 11 after a few hours of attempting to keep him in his room and crib. In fact, last night Jason just slept on the floor with Cruz after 4 hours of constant back and forth struggling. Needless to say, the hours are taxing and there is no 'real' break, especially with the nap protest that they have been on. Everyone is overtired. But I do believe that God is good. I do believe that He is in control. I do believe that He is able to do all things. I do believe that He has a plan for each of us and I can't wait to see what He will do in and through Cruz. So, because I believe these things I continue to pray for healing, for strength, for patience, for love, for joy, and mostly for peace. The volume in our small home is off the radar sometimes! Well, God hears all of our prayers. This morning he had little reminders to me that He is at work behind the scenes. When we can't see the answer, He is still working. Even when I feel like I may snap, He is still working. In my futile human thinking when I can't see the bigger picture, He is still working. We got to church this morning and decided to keep Cruz with us to take him down front to be anointed with oil and prayed for. After sharing our prayer request with the elders, the man said, "I will have my wife pray for you because she is actually a Special Education teacher." She said she knew exactly how to pray for his specific needs. Upon returning to our seats, someone tapped my shoulder behind me. "Excuse me, I have seen you all here before, may I ask you about your son?" I told her briefly about him to which she announced, "I am a Speech Therapist" My jaw probably dropped. Cruz's teacher in his Sunday School class just happens to be a Speech Pathologist and she works with him every Sunday! My mom's good friend Joy, who taught Special Education for years and years is coming over tomorrow to 'play' with Cruz and see if she can help. At a prayer service a while back my mom filled out a prayer request card for Cruz. Shortly after, a woman contacted my mom via facebook. This woman had received the prayer request and what do you know, she was studying sign language and non verbal communication to become an interpreter for the deaf. What are the chances of all of these things happening? It is amazing to see all of these little reminders that God is with us. He is putting people in our path and He is with us on this journey. The rest of the day today was at times stressful and at times fun, just like any other weekend day. (Its always better when daddy is home with us) There wasn't immediate relief today. But, I know that I know that I know that God is with us.

10 comments:

  1. Lindsey, I am going to commit to pray for you throughout the day tomorrow. I have had a couple of those melt-downs when I was a single mom raising 2 young, energetic boys. One of them turned out to be a 3/5 Marine! I did not have near the challenges you do, but I do remember the emotions.

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  2. wow. I will definitely be praying for you guys and little Cruz. You have the most beautiful family... I love the family pic to the right!! :)

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  3. That was your first meltdown with two little ones so close in age? I am impressed! You are a strong woman! I am so glad you are writing this blog, I always knew you'd use your talent for something great! You are an amazing mom and so talented! Your children are so blessed to have you! One thing I tried during Sam's nap protest (mind you, it was just him back then!) was I would have him nap in my bed, and I would lay with him 'til we both fell asleep! I got a little nap, and amazingly, when I got up, he usually kept sleeping. It was refreshing for me at least to get some sort of rest.

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  4. Praying for you all! Your transparency is so genuine and I pray that the Lord.continues to give you strength!! You are one of the strongest women I know! Love you guys!

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  5. Amen! God is so good. I think it is great that you had a melt down in front of your children. They need to see emotions, they need to learn that emotions are good. I pray that this begins to show Cruz how to deal with emotions and trigger his emotional responses. I am no expert but this is something I have learned in therapy. Your family is always on my mind and I am constantly praying for you!

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  6. Hey Mama. Praying extra peace for you today. Thank you for being so open and transparent - those moments are the ones we need to share. I wish I could say I understand and it will be better - but I do know that our God is aware of every emotion, every struggle. Right now I'm listening to "Take Heart"

    So take heart
    Let His love lead us through the night
    Hold on to hope
    And take courage again

    All our failure
    And all our fear
    God our love
    He has overcome

    All our heartache
    And all our pain
    God our healer
    He has overcome

    All our burdens
    And all our shame
    God our freedom
    He has overcome

    All our troubles
    And all our tears
    God our hope
    He has overcome

    May this encourage you today and know that many many prayers are being prayed on your behalf. Love you Linds!

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  7. Lindsey,

    This is the first time I'm reading your blog, and I'm so moved by your strength and transparency. Psalms says 'Pour your heart out to God, for He is our refuge.' It takes a lot sometimes to tell God exactly how we feel and not feel bad about those emotions. But He is big enough to handle it. It's so clear that you are being obedient and giving everything to Him, because He is honoring that by surrounding Cruz and your family with people that He has called to walk alongside & support each of you. It's in the toughest times that we grow so close to Him and know Him in ways that we never have before. Praying for you and your family as you're on this journey. I know that God has big things for Cruz, more than you can imagine.

    Lizette

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  8. Hope and rest. Bathe my children in restful, confident hope as they trust You with their self-worth, relationships, life's work, and parenting. May they overflow with Your peace. Jer. 29:11, Mt. 11:28-30,; Ro. 15:13; Phil. 4:6-7. Journaling this journey may impact thousands of people, Lyndsey. I am so confident with the Lord's help, Jason and you will discover and be in awe of the gifts and talents that your two children have. You are in for the ride. I pray that you will both find rest and peace tonight. Joy

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  9. You probably don't know me but I think we went to high school together and Erica gave me the link to your blog. I have a 5 year old with ADHD, sensory issues, possibly autism, and a few other developmental delays. I can totally relate to this blog post. Some days you just feel you can't take it anymore, yet you know God is there and has a reason for everything. I will be praying for your family as I know how difficult this journey is.

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  10. Thank you guys so much for all of your comments. They are all encouraging to me and it blesses me each time one comes in. Thanks for the prayers... we could definitely use them this week! It has been a rough one.

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