"Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way."
— Lewis Carroll (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass)
In an effort to be completely transparent and honest with myself I have to admit that on Friday mid afternoon I had my first meltdown in front of the kids. It was the first time that either one has seen me cry. It is embarrassing to admit, but I feel like I have to be truthful that there are times the kids just push and push and push (literally) until I can't take anymore. I told Jason, jokingly, that I feel like I am in an abusive relationship sometimes because Wren will scream at me and hit me with toys and with Cruz's proprioception he is so rough with me and yells as well. When mommy's temperature starts rising I just pray "Jesus please give me strength to get through this" "Lord, please give me patience". Sometimes the moment passes and I cool back down. Friday was a different story. Somewhere after we had friends over for play dates, after they both refused afternoon naps, after snacks were spilled, after Wren picked up dog poop in the yard, after they got caught eating dog food, after they got caught dumping a box of new crackers, and before daddy came home, I sunk into a ball at the end of the couch and cried. Not that cute single tear cry where you can wipe it away in one sweep of the finger without messing up your makeup, but the other one. The one where you cry so hard at times no sound comes out of your mouth. The one where snot and mascara mix on your cheek like a mud mask. The one that sounds like an old dog howling at moon, or the neighbor. The one where you look like an old cartoon character with the eyes bulging out of their sockets. Neither of my kids have seen me cry. I will say that their screaming immediately stopped. They both just stared at me and slowly approached like they had discovered a wounded wild animal... not sure of what would happen next. They were both only wearing diapers as they toddled like twins towards me. Both knelt down in front of me and took turns kissing me on the lips and cheek. The moment was really sweet and tender and only compounded the guilt that I felt in that moment. I debated hiding my emotion to not let them see mommy as weak or let them see that it is frustrating and it is important to learn how to be compassionate. Regardless, I couldn't stop crying anyways, so I let them watch. I just prayed the whole time. I have never questioned 'Why' to God in regards to Cruz's issues. However, I did tell the Lord, "I am just so sick of it. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am just plain sick of this." I can't in all honesty say that I completely felt immediately better upon venting, however, the high waters seemed to slowly reseed. Between both of the kids I probably received fifty plus kisses. It did make me feel better to see their response to someone in distress as Cruz has never shown the appropriate response to emotion. And, if he had laughed at me or hit me I probably would have just cried longer and harder. Afterwards, I noticed some mascara on the kids cheeks from lots of side hugs. I think, for once, the kids realized that I was human instead of the robot that just grants their every wish throughout the day. I felt very vulnerable then and do even now as I write this and uncover my raw emotions to you. Throughout the weekend I will say that I have still felt exhausted. I have still struggled with nonstop necessity to be 'on'. Cruz has been waking up around 530 or 6 in the mornings and in the evenings finally goes to bed around 11 after a few hours of attempting to keep him in his room and crib. In fact, last night Jason just slept on the floor with Cruz after 4 hours of constant back and forth struggling. Needless to say, the hours are taxing and there is no 'real' break, especially with the nap protest that they have been on. Everyone is overtired. But I do believe that God is good. I do believe that He is in control. I do believe that He is able to do all things. I do believe that He has a plan for each of us and I can't wait to see what He will do in and through Cruz. So, because I believe these things I continue to pray for healing, for strength, for patience, for love, for joy, and mostly for peace. The volume in our small home is off the radar sometimes! Well, God hears all of our prayers. This morning he had little reminders to me that He is at work behind the scenes. When we can't see the answer, He is still working. Even when I feel like I may snap, He is still working. In my futile human thinking when I can't see the bigger picture, He is still working. We got to church this morning and decided to keep Cruz with us to take him down front to be anointed with oil and prayed for. After sharing our prayer request with the elders, the man said, "I will have my wife pray for you because she is actually a Special Education teacher." She said she knew exactly how to pray for his specific needs. Upon returning to our seats, someone tapped my shoulder behind me. "Excuse me, I have seen you all here before, may I ask you about your son?" I told her briefly about him to which she announced, "I am a Speech Therapist" My jaw probably dropped. Cruz's teacher in his Sunday School class just happens to be a Speech Pathologist and she works with him every Sunday! My mom's good friend Joy, who taught Special Education for years and years is coming over tomorrow to 'play' with Cruz and see if she can help. At a prayer service a while back my mom filled out a prayer request card for Cruz. Shortly after, a woman contacted my mom via facebook. This woman had received the prayer request and what do you know, she was studying sign language and non verbal communication to become an interpreter for the deaf. What are the chances of all of these things happening? It is amazing to see all of these little reminders that God is with us. He is putting people in our path and He is with us on this journey. The rest of the day today was at times stressful and at times fun, just like any other weekend day. (Its always better when daddy is home with us) There wasn't immediate relief today. But, I know that I know that I know that God is with us.