The Condition of The Heart

The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost. ~G.K. Chesterton




In honor of Valentines Day it is only fitting for me to post something regarding hearts. It's not going to be the typical lovey dovey romantic story or even a sarcastically humorous venting session. One year ago today I was running ragged with two teeny tiny tots strapped to my hips losing my mind trying to keep up with them and the house and the dog and my job. Cruz had some valentine hearts that he became obsessed with. They were very special to him. The little tiny hearts with the comments barely written across the tops that make you sometimes ask, 'seriously? who wrote this? He would carry them everywhere. His little sweaty dirty hands would make those hearts just moist enough to collect pieces from anything it came in contact with. Any lint, hair, dust, you name it. It was disgusting. He would drop it on the floor and I would jump leap and fly through the air in dramatic fashion to try to pry it from him before he placed it right back into his mouth. At times I succeeded but many times I failed. Franklin would walk past him and the heart would just stick to his tail. Or even worse, Cruz would hold the heart out in his hand and let Franklin lick it! For those of you asking, 'where was the mother during this' just know I was close enough to see and close enough to yell stop but not close enough to catch it. All I could think of were the germs and the nasty texture that it must create when he put it back in his mouth. I kept asking him to give it to me, to trust me, to let me wash it off in the sink and that I'd give it back, or get him a new one. He had a very difficult time letting go. He wanted to trust me, he just really struggled with it. Each time I would rinse it, that little heart would get smaller and smaller. Each time Frank licked it it would get smaller. I would tell him, 'Cruz, be careful, your little heart is getting dirty. Let me take care of your heart so you don't drop it. Don't lose your heart'. Poor Frank, he didn't know. He had no bad intentions but a kid was letting him lick candy so of course he did. I would yell at Frank and to Cruz "Stop it, he's going to destroy your heart". The words resonated like a familiar song in my head. I said them all back again. I shared the story later that day with a group of high school girls, who inevitably saw the amazing correlation. So, I now pose the question to you. What is it that you are allowing to come in contact with your tiny precious little heart. Don't you value your unique one of a kind heart? What are things in your life that you are allowing to damage you. It may be an unhealthy relationship, it may be an addiction, it may be a group of friends, or bad television, it could be anything. On this Valentines Day, please take some time to evaluate the condition of your heart. Don't be careless with it, for from it springs the well of life. Don't allow others to take advantage of it, you only have one. Value it, treasure it, and share it with people when their heart is broken. And guard it with all your might.

Chinese Fire Drills

There was something really dumb that I am sure a lot of us did when we were young immature teens when we subconsciously thought we were invincible. Just to show random strangers how crazy and spontaneous you were, and to get a rush of adrenaline, as you approached a red light you would suddenly yell "Chinese Fire Drill". It didn't matter who called it, everyone was forced to participate in this sudden race. Even if you didn't want to, but someone else threw their car door  open and started to run to your side you had to immediately partake or the light would turn green and you'd block the intersection. Suddenly you were driving someone else's car or sitting in someone else's seat and the car screech's forward so as to not hold up traffic and your heart is racing and everyone's laughing and someone usually yells, 'we're so crazy!' as if it is a sense of accomplishment. 'Yep, I'm so crazy and cool I just ran around the car in a busy intersection and its 10 degrees outside and I almost fell on the ice' isn't that awesome? Never mind the poor grandma in the Buick next to you having heart palpitations thinking your friend in the hoodie was running towards her to rob her.  I'm not sure how this teen tradition came to be. There must be something naturally ingrained in select individuals that seek that rush of adrenaline. Those people are the whistle blowers that start it. Then there is the rest of us that are dumb enough to follow along. Cruz is a whistle blower and I am the idiot, at least it feels that way, and the Chinese Fire Drill is the closest comparison I can think of right now to explain our latest situation.

 Cruz is no respecter of time, schedule, location, or emotion. If he decides it's time for some action, he does it. He has at times left the room, at times snuck up behind me, at times just turned his back and with no provocation he pulls his pants down, rips his diaper off and does one of two things. He either poops on the floor or he pulls a poopy diaper off and gets poop all over himself and the floor. Its hard to explain the initial reaction that I have. In the beginning, a few months ago, we thought, 'oh little Cruzie doesn't know what he's doing. Maybe he's just trying to start potty training and doesn't know how to do it.' That was 189 times ago. If he didn't know the first 17 times that it was wrong, he learned quickly. He has been able to pee in the potty on occasion with assistance and has done it at school but hasn't mastered it yet. I just kept questioning myself on how to train him correctly, how to teach him about how we use the toilet (or just keep the diaper on). One day I was getting ready to run errands and leave him with a nanny, who he loves, and he told me 'no'. I gently affirmed that mommy would be home really soon but I had to leave for a little bit. He proceeded to rip his diaper off with eyebrows raised. In his own right, minus words, he was challenging me. He might as well have raised a fist, or blown a whistle. In that moment I knew that this little weasel had been trying to manipulate me the whole time. Just Thursday morning it happened right as we were about to head out the door. The bus would be here to pick him up for school in 5 minutes and what happens? He poops, rips the diaper off, smears it across the rug on his floor and then calls, 'mommy'. Like an early valentine present he stands proudly over his steaming gift of love that he expressly gives me almost every day now. Not a hint on his little face indicting remorse or guilt. Not the slightest hesitation in calling mommy to come see his work. Like his abstract painting just got invited to The Louvre. Beaming from ear to ear and he swayed back and forth waiting to see my response. Thus, everything comes to a screeching halt, as I know that the timer has started. There is but only a few moments to get his body cleaned up, keep Wren and Franklin away from it, get the poop cleaned up, redress him and have him outside waiting for the bus. This morning before church Cruz completely undressed himself from head to toe, removed diaper, and peed on the carpet. This afternoon he went into our bedroom and pooped all over the hardwood floor. I'm talking in the cracks and crevices, smeared on a sham that was on the ground, everywhere. It was everywhere, all over him and any item within a 2 step radius. The imaginary siren sounds and like a cartoon on a submarine its 'ALL HANDS ON DECK'. Jason peeled his shirt off (it was the only article of clothing left on him) and threw him in the shower, I ran and got the paper towels and cleaning supplies. Wren sat up on mommies bed watching wide eyed and repeatedly saying, 'uh oh' and 'oh no'. Franklin had to get in the mix and between running back and forth to the trash, kids in and out of the way, in all the chaos, we are just baffled why he keeps doing this. He was spanked and then placed in the quiet corner for time out and wasn't allowed to talk or move during that time. We are literally baffled. Today had been a great day, time spent together as a family, a great lunch and he even got to have a piece of cake... it was stacking up as a pretty awesome day for a three year old. Again, we find ourselves plunged into panic mode by the simple direction of a 29 pound, skinny as a rail, bobble headed little boy. (I say that because his weight is in the 10% percentile and his head is in the 95th% for kids his age) We don't want to play his games, we don't want to stop what we are in the middle of what we are doing, and we definitely don't want to miss the bus or any other event we are headed to. Until we can resolve this problem, we stand ready for the call of duty for the next time he decides he's ready to blow the whistle.

Well, thanks to a suggestion, we are trying something new tonight. Jason used duct tape around the diaper. Maybe now he will learn he has to tell us if he wants his diaper changed. 

Juicing

My next planned post was to go into detail regarding some issues we've had lately with Cruz. That topic is getting tabled a little longer due to the high demand request on facebook to talk about juicing. One simple statement led to multiple messages and a few requests on the blog, so here goes. Juicing is changing my life. Literally. My mantra for 2011 was "Happy and Healthy". I really strived in everything I did to allow this mantra to affect my decision making. After the two babies back to back with c-sections, the fibromyalgia, all of Cruz's issues I decided to get serious about getting to the bottom of my health issues. I started seeing a naturopathic who started me on this journey to a new me. Most of you already know this, but we went gluten free a year ago. I got a membership to the gym and hit the gym 3 days a week without fail (unless a kid was sick). I just kept chipping away slowly and surely. My ultimate goal wasn't to lose weight, but I am thankful that I have. I wanted to be stronger, better, faster and have more energy. My sister started juicing at Christmas, got some books and got super into it. I thought, 'that is so gross I just don't think I can take it that far'. The thought of drinking liquid broccoli made me sick to think about. She just kept telling me how great she felt and went on and on. So I decided to try it out. Thankfully, my mother loaned me her juicer from like ten years ago to be sure I liked it before I bought one. Now she'd have to pry it out of my hands to get it back. I went to the store and got a ton of produce and made my first juice for dinner while Jason was gone one evening. I didn't love it but I could tolerate it. It was a little earthy and a little tart. I thought, well, I'll try it for breakfast again and just see. No lie, by that afternoon I realized I had way more energy than normal and I felt really good. Within 24 hours I seriously felt like a new person. That was three weeks ago an I've juiced at least twice a day since then for breakfast and lunch. I can't really explain how I feel other than my body recognizes that THIS is how its supposed to feel. I definitely have more energy. My joint and muscle pain seems to be less and I have lost some weight. My main reason to initially take the jump was because I wanted to see if Cruz would drink it. I know he is low on nutrients, he hates to eat, and he loves to drink liquids. Classic mistake on my part, I had him try the very first one I made which was a little on the bitter side. Now when I offer some to him he immediately refuses. He does however like to watch me push the veggies in and see the colorful juice squirt out the side. I will have to start back with just fruit and slowly get him to try it again. Now I have kale, spinach, broccoli, celery, cucumber, and pear once a day and for the other I usually do carrot, cabbage, bok choy, leeks, and apple. When I am running low on produce I use whatever is in the fridge. I have juiced asparagus, green beans, beets, swiss chard, you name it. Carrots, beets, apples, and pears sweeten everything. The cucumber and celery are very mild and a good filler to mix with some of the others that have a stronger flavor. I try to do as many different items a day as I can to try to get as many different nutrients and vitamins that I can. I felt bad throwing out all the pulp and so I've been saving a little bit and adding it into other recipes. I even made a breakfast muffin with some of the pulp, following a carrot/pumpkin recipe from a gluten free cookbook. So, there you go. I highly highly encourage it. I didn't think I would be able to do it. I get low blood sugar, I get hungry and cranky... but honestly, I've never felt as good as I do now. In fact I rarely need coffee anymore, which some of you know means a lot! Some of you guys had emailed me about restricting other foods. Like I said, I am doing it for the benefit, not to lose weight. So if I am hungry or want a snack I will have a high protein snack. We are still gluten free and Cruz and I are dairy free. So, for a snack I might have some organic chicken, gluten free protein bar or crackers. It just depends. I have also sometimes made an additional protein shake right before I start teaching class at 3 because I sometimes teach straight until 7 without a break. I am by no means an expert on any of this. These are just my experiences that I am sharing with you. I'd love to hear your thoughts, comments, or recipe ideas. So, empty out your veggie tray, juice it, raise your glass and Cheers to a better healthier you.

Back In the Swing

I had a dream years ago that I felt the Lord stir in my heart. The dream was more of a promise and even then I knew it was for the future. Not like a close your eyes and dream of a perfect time and place but more of a can't quit entertaining these ideas during the day kind of dream. Anyone that knows me well knows that I can fall head over heels for any new exciting idea like a small child and a shiny toy. Pitch me a concept that peaks my interest and within minutes I can get spun up in that web with you. But this dream just lingered, just sort of flirted and lingered and I knew it was for the future. So I stuck it in my back pocket knowing that when the time was right it would give me a nudge. A year ago that nudge started to squirm and push and so I did it. I took the leap and opened my own dance studio. I've been freelancing choreography for the last three years in the midst of everything going on, it was a little piece of 'me' time. A small corner of my week that I could focus my creativity and I have loved every minute of it. POINT Performing Arts (www.pointperformingarts.com) opened on January 9, 2012. So, needless to say, we took a hiatus from blogging during the holidays for no other reason than being totally busy and chaotic.  Our activity with the outside world slowed a little and we spent a lot of time together with family and we spent a lot of time together getting the studio ready to open. So, I realize that I need to do some catching up on the last month or so, but I wanted you all to know the reason why. We are actually doing well. Cruz has adjusted to the school schedule nicely. Most mornings he wants to ride the bus. There have been a few mornings that he has been sleepy and hasn't wanted to leave the house. However, as soon as that big yellow bus passes the window his excitement grows. I have seen significant improvement in his vocabulary. He is trying. Even though he still isn't hitting the right sounds he is trying to make sound for everything, which is huge!!! He is trying to talk before using sign language and he is trying to put several words together. Now, normally we only get about 2 of the words that he's trying to use, but he is trying. I LOVE getting his backpack home and opening it to see what treasures he created at school. We talk about his art work and Wren and I usually clap for him and tell him how proud we are! The holidays were really great because his cousins came down and Cruz was in absolute heaven. They got to play together for several days and still to this day he asks if we'll see them every time we get in the car! 

The holidays were like a giant therapy session for both kids with lots and lots of OT! We made cookies, iced them (Wren ate them), drew pictures for Santa, made gingerbread houses, read lots of books, and had total sensory overload Christmas morning. Fortunately, both of my kids are sensory seekers so they were in heaven. I was really proud of Cruz. He handled it all really well.

I will do a year in review on the next blog but I needed to just get started again. So, here we are, back on the blog. Get ready because we are in a whole new adventure now. I feel like I am spinning a trailer for a new tv series but honestly it sometimes does feel that way. We still have our 'good' days and our 'bad' days they are just on a whole new level now. We've added a business, a nanny, a new school schedule, and there are some really exciting things on the horizon.

From panic to proud

The phone rang and immediately I recognized that it was Cruz's school's phone number. Realizing that I had only put him on the school bus fifteen minutes before panic gripped me. In the three seconds it took me to answer the phone several thoughts raced through my mind. Had the bus been in an accident? Was he sick? Had he thrown up on the bus? Was there a problem with his immunization records (again)? Had I not filled out or sent required paperwork? Was he okay? "Hi Lindsey this is Cruz's teacher"... "Hi, how are you," I tried to hide the panic in my voice and sound casual and breezy but I'm sure the awkwardness peeked through. "I was calling to tell you that Cruz seems to be pretty high functioning for my class room so we want to move him to another room." Relief immediately flooded me. "He has been doing really well in the classroom so we want to put him in a room that has 10-12 students and is more integrated with example students that he can model after." 

Up until this point I wasn't really sure how he was doing during the day. I know he responds well with adults so I presumed that he was behaving really well for the teachers and saving most of his fits until he comes home. He still seems to be pretty aggressive towards Wren and me. Hopefully this new classroom environment will really help boost his behavior up to a new level!

Big day for the big boy!

 Tuesday was Cruz's first day of preschool. I was plagued with anticipation trying to get him ready for big boy school that day. Clueless as to what lay ahead, he bounced around like any other morning watching Dora and playing with Frank. The parking lot was totally full when we pulled in. School busses lined the drive through. We walked across the parking lot and my stomach was tied in knots. I hadn't anticipated feeling such emotion on this day. We walked into the building and Cruz ran up to the reception desk and yelled 'Hi'. His teacher was waiting for us and held Cruz's hand as we all walked back to his room. Upon entering Wren looked around the room and proclaimed, "Whoah!"  She immediately wanted to get down and play with the toys. There was a kitchen and bin of toys, including Woody and Buzz, directly in front of us. We let her play for a minute while we explained to Cruz that this was his new school. I told him that his new teacher was just like his other teachers and that if he needed his hugs during the day that she was the one to go to. Cruz got to hang his backpack up in his own little cubby. We each hugged and kissed him and told him goodbye. He asked for knucks and high fives before we left. "Byeeee" he yelled as we walked out. Tears immediately filled my eyes. It was the strangest feeling. I wasn't nervous or scared for him. I knew he would have fun. I think for the first time I realized he was actually growing up, becoming a big boy going to a big boy school. The entire length of the hallway we could hear him continue to yell, "bye" repeatedly. Each time it seemed to spring more tears inside. I tried so hard to swallow that lump. Stopped at the reception desk to ask a quick question and I totally lost it. The poor receptionist looked at me confused, 'Are you okay?' I couldn't even say anything. Jason stepped in, 'Today is our sons first day'. She gave an understanding look and as we walked out I just let those tears fall. Throughout the drive home I had that tugging at my heart. It was incredibly difficult to realize he is graduating to the next step of life. Entering the public school system and he had only turned three a couple of days ago. He was excited and I knew he would have a blast.

Well, the next morning the school bus came and picked him up from our house. They hadn't told me ahead of time when they would be coming but I knew it would be early. The bus rolled up at 8:00. I frantically tried to get his coat on, backpack, camera, and wren and run out the garage door. He was so excited to see the bus! He had no problem climbing right up those steps into the arms of kind strangers. We waved goodbye and Wren cried when he left. I don't think she cared that he was leaving but she wanted to ride the bus too. 'Ride, Ride, Ride' she cried over and over.

This morning daddy got to be with us when the bus came. Cruz waited patiently at the top of the driveway. Once he was loaded in his seat he gave daddy and Wren high five and knuckles over and over. We watched his mouth yell 'bye' repeatedly as they drove away. So, here we go, on another new adventure with Cruz!

Holly

This week was the week that I have dreaded for 9 months. In grief stricken anticipation I tried to just avoid reality all week long. I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do. I don't handle raw emotion every well. I like to stuff it in a tiny little ball and hide it away somewhere, pretending its not there, hoping it dissolves. I've never been good at confrontation, goodbyes, or sharing feelings. I've gotten better since becoming a wife and mother, by forced practice. But there is something about feeling that wave swell inside of you. I guess I'm afraid that it may just take over and once I start crying I won't stop. I was physically sick to my stomach all day Monday. The doorbell rang at 1:15 and there she stood in all her glory with a glowing halo around her head. It was our last therapy session with Cruz's speech therapist. Cruz had eagerly waited at the door for 20 minutes. Even now I am welling with tears and swallowing a lump in my throat. Its one thing to bond with someone over difficult trials and traumas. Its a whole different kind of bond when someone comes in and bonds with your child and changes their life. Cruz literally asks for Holly almost every hour of every day. He is so excited on the days when I tell him that she is in fact coming. He claps and cheers and jumps up and down. He will even sit by the window and wait for her. I know that deep down he has this understanding that she is the one who comes to help him. It breaks my heart every time he asks for her because I know he is never going to get to have another therapy session with Holly. Our contract with first steps has to end when he turns 3 and starts preschool. The entire session I felt like I couldn't even look her in the eye or I would cry. Holly came into our life when we were at the bottom of the barrel. I was at the end of my rope with Cruz and I didn't know what to do. Calling first steps was what I thought was las resort. Really it was just the beginning of a different chapter. She has been here every single week walking along side us through this crazy journey. She didn't just do what she 'had to do'. Holly would drop off books on my front porch at times, even a plate of cookies. When I had to switch to gluten free Holly was my go to for recipes, advice, you name it. She mentored me through this whole process making herself available to me any time and I don't know what I would have done without her in my life. There has always been that sense of relief that I can ask Holly what to do about any number of given situations. If she didn't know off the top of her head she would research for me. It's a strange feeling the first time or two that someone comes into your home to 'evaluate' your child and 'diagnose' the situation. Then when you find out that person will be coming every single week and it can be intimidating. But Holly became like family to us, even to Franklin who was incredibly excited to see her each time. In thirty years Cruz may not remember this past year, but we will make sure that he is very aware of the journey he led us on and the people that impacted his life. Until Holly came, we didn't know signs, we didn't know about sensory issues, we had never heard of Apraxia. Until Holly came we weren't sure if Cruz was ahead of the curve or behind, if he was always going to have problems or if there was hope. Holly brought a lot of things to us, most of all hope. I couldn't write her a thank you because it would have been ten pages long. And I of course wanted to avoid the rising well of tears, which are now spilling. How can you possibly put into words a thank you that seems appropriate for the life changing impact she had with Cruz. She may never fully know the difference that she made in our family, but we will never forget. This next week Cruz starts ECSE. So we tearfully close one chapter and turn the page to start another.