So I took a long hiatus from writing due to my time and
creativity being drained elsewhere. I’ll briefly recap the last two years as
quick as possible. My energy and efforts went into running and building a
thriving dance studio and competition team, coaching poms, getting pregnant,
and having a 3rd child. Meanwhile, my father is in remission from
cancer, and now I have sold the studio and Jason has taken a job in Kansas
City, we sold our house in 24 hours and are in the process of finding a new one
within the next few weeks and packing. Finally, this year Cruz was
transitioning between schools and therapists and programs and we went through
the full blown evaluation process and finally got a medical diagnosis of
Autism. Since this is autism awareness month and I am procrastinating packing
boxes and full of emotion I thought it might be time to jump back in the
saddle.
Those
I have spoken with have asked me how I ‘feel’ after getting stamped with a label.
Given the fact that our lives are chaotic right now and I am pumping postpartum
hormones I am not experiencing a different type of feeling, just more intense
feelings. Everyone also immediately asks me if I am surprised. It’s hard to
explain. It’s kind of like seeing a storm roll in, watching the news and seeing
the radar, hearing the wind and rain, knowing you are in a tornado watch, then
a warning with sirens blaring but then the tornado actually touches down on
your street. Was I surprised? There were warnings and signs but yes there was
still a part of me that was surprised. So many of his therapists didn’t think
he fit the criteria. Granted they said he is very A-Typical. He doesn’t fit a
clear-cut mold. They said it took three masterminds with PhD’s to try to
understand his learning patterns and how he organizes his thoughts. Which made
me feel like a genius and explained why things had been so confusing with him
for so long. Every other therapist or teacher always told us ‘he is really
interesting’. I did feel validated for my frustrations over the last five years.
I felt relieved to know he will be able to qualify for services and resources.
I felt sad. I felt really glad we had done so much early intervention because
this kid has grown and changed and learned so much the last couple of years. I
felt thankful and blessed for people like Brooke Allen (our behavioral
therapist and great friend), Deborah Crooke (his amazing former teacher), Donna
Ramsey (amazing caretaker with tons of knowledge), Monty Clark, Holly Radar,
the list could go on and on of those who poured so much into helping us. I also
feel better equipped to fight this battle. Now that I have more knowledge and
more resources, nothing can stop us from doing everything we can to help our
son.
We were scouring through thousands
of photos and videos on the computer the other night in hopes of finding one
picture of the house we needed. I saw a montage of this beautiful complicated
silly boy from birth to present. I saw video clips of him throwing fits and
screaming, clips of him trying to communicate at age 3 when all he could do was
still sign. There were videos of him doing bizarre sensory seeking things.
Pictures of him in treacherous places, in underwear climbing trees, hanging
from things, lining things up, and finding joy in some simple pleasures like
laying naked on a leather chair or rolling in a bin of bird seed. The puzzle
piece fits. The famous “blue puzzle” piece outlines much of his behavior but he
will not be defined by any one thing. Autistic is one word in a list of many
beautiful and strong words that describe my beautiful son. For my friends and
fellow parents of kids with autism you know how important schedule, routine and
consistency is. Pray for us as we uproot and plan to move to a new city, new
house and start a new school with new therapists and are back in the process of
navigating life and learning through the eyes of Cruz.